Dog definitions

LEASH:
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you
to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED:
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread
in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in
the living room.

DROOL:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't.
To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and
look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet,
on their laps.

SNIFF:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place
your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end
and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person
makes you stop. This can also be done to human's crotches.

GARBAGE CAN:
A container which your neighbours put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and
try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right
you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones
to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind
a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards;
the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them
in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the
person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary
to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting,
rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy
wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew
the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS:
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to
run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH:
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BUMP:
The best way to get your human's attention when they
are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP:
A manoeuvre to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require..... especially effective when
combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag
your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
If not, you can always sniff their crotches.